Frustration

It’s Fine.
Just calm down.
Stop stressing.

These phrases make me scream.
Because in that moment when the light is being sucked away and the air is turning to carbon monoxide; strangling, choking, until every breath
hurts.

In that moment when day turns to night and monsters are real. Hope turns to dust and no matter how hard you try you can’t hold on and it’s
slipping
through your fingers.

Because in that moment a scream would be easy and tears fill your eyes blinding you with acid.
Pain blooms inside and your clawing at your throat while wrapping bands of sanity around you just to hold yourself together.

But all that they see is
Dramatics.

It’s NOT fine.
It’s NOT okay.
I CANNOT just CALM DOWN.

Because for me my world just imploded.
Kapow
A million dagger pointed shards flying through the air to every point of my being slicing through to the heart of me and beyond and the world is shaking and the walls are closing in and I can’t even form a scream.

When all you see
Is a spilled glass
of water.

Sometime’s it’s not okay. And telling someone that they’re little freak out is over nothing just makes it worse. Not all of us are firing at 100% in the brainpan. I’m not meaning that we’re not intelligent or smart. I simply mean that we have an imbalance. An imbalance that doesn’t need to be told to knock it off, or just get over it. Snap out of it.

And imbalance that needs to be hugged when we say leave me alone. An imbalance that craves solitude when we’re surrounded by people. An imbalance that craves people when we’re alone. An imbalance that just needs a whispered word.

Don’t tell us to snap out of it. Tell us “I see you. I understand you. I hear you. I love you.”

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Those Random Mommy Blues 3/15/2014

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A few weeks ago someone on my Facebook shared this post from the blog Your Best Nest: Mommy, Somebody Needs You

I admit the post got to me. It struck a cord deep down in my mommy soul and reminded me that our kids grow up way faster than we’re prepared for. I cried, I laughed, and I held my kids tightly.

And then I moved on. Because lets be honest, not every single moment is special, emotional and memorable.

Some moments I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember the way my two year old looks at me when I tell him he’s to go to the corner, like I’ve broken his heart. I don’t  want to remember fussing at my daughter to clean her room for the millionth time in a single day.

There are many moments I want to remember and cherish. Like the sound of my sons laugh and the way my daughters eyes light up when she smiles. But those moments are tiny, God sent jewels in our day to day chaos.

Today, for example, has been a weird day. It hasn’t been bad, but it hasn’t been good either. I’ve been in a rather neutral mood, which has made it really odd for me. Adding to that I haven’t  gotten anything done around the house today. I’ve tried. But it’s incredibly disheartening to try and pick things up when you have a tiny soldier marching along behind you intent on undoing everything you do.

As if it was his mission to destroy everything in his path.

And it’s nonstop. I love being a stay at home mom. I really do. But sometimes I crave a break. And I feel like as a parent I can’t admit that. There’s this huge stigma placed on parents that we have to love and cherish every moment with out children. Every moment?

It’s rather hard to cherish the moments when my son is screaming at me and kicking and fighting everything I try to do. It’s hard to cherish the moment when your daughter is screaming in her bedroom because she’s grounded even though you gave her a million warnings.

Being a parent is HARD. It’s hard, sleepless, often thankless work. And the only thing you have to look forward to is those kids growing up and being the amazing people you struggle every day to grow them up into.

It’s not wrong that i wish nap time lasted longer. It’s not wrong that I wish I could have more alone time to just think. Or to be able to use the restroom alone. None of that is wrong.

Right?

I sometimes feel like since I became a mom my self doubt has only increased. I’m constantly worried about how I’m screwing them up. What I’m doing wrong.

And then my son runs to me, grabs my hand and wants me to dance with him. Or my daughter climbs into my lap and reads me a book.

In those moments, every doubt I’ve ever had washes away. I thank God every day for my babies, I just wish they weren’t so destructive. 😉

The Friendship Game…3/15/2014

238 “friends” ….There are 238 “friends” on my Facebook profile…and I have never felt more alone in my life. I am so tired of being lonely. I am so tired of having no one. I truly have no one. I have no life. My life has become a joke. A farce. I live to care for my children and my husband and stare at an LED screen silently hoping for something to happen in the lives of those 238 that will do something for me. Lift me up in some way, make me feel something. Let me know I’m not alone.

Because I am alone. I literally do not leave my house unless it is to go to the store or get my daughter off the bus because I have no one. Sure, I know people. I have 238 online personalities that I “know”. Some I actually DO know, in that I’ve met them in person. But not a single one of them lives locally to me. I have the few friends from high school I keep in touch with. A few friends from other places I’ve met. But none are close enough to be near.

And I try. I try to make friends. I feel like I’m this open, positive person (when my depression is not trying to eat me alive) and it seems like I’m constantly met with suspicion at my open, friendly nature ( I must be some kind of creep for friending you and TRYING to have a conversation with you, right?). Or in the rare instance that I DO meet someone, hit it off and have conversations with them it’s short lived. I feel like a place holder, someone they can talk to until someone better comes along. Never good enough to be a REAL friend.

I offer, and I offer and I offer and I’m ignored. Pushed aside. Not needed. Not good enough.

I don’t understand why it has to be so hard. All I want is someone to meet at the park with. To laugh with. To talk about the books we’re reading or achievements that our children have made. To have someone who wants to come over and talk with me while I fold laundry.

I just want to engage with someone who’s not a child or my husband. I want to sit on the phone and laugh as they tell me about their day, and make plans for a weekend night girls night. I want to be needed by someone who doesn’t call me mommy. I want to be the person they think of when they have news so good they have to share. Or when heartbreak hits them.

Is that really so much to ask?

I’m sick of feeling so alone. I’m sick of feeling like a piece of me is dying, withering slowly more and more each day until it’s dust and blowing away on the wind. I hate that I’m sitting here crying right now. I hate to cry. I do. Yet this is simply breaking me down.

I’m a social person. All these days in isolation…..*sighs* Yet every day I get up and put on a strong brave face, even as my foundation crumbles under my feet.

And the cat came back.. 2/10/2014

Now, I’m not saying that I’m changing my nickname to Cat..but..I AM BACK! Yes! I know, I know…I’ve been gone a while. But I’m determined to pick up blogging again! DETERMINED! This is my determined face!

Just imagine it. I know you can.

It’s 2014! It really is amazing to me how time flies. I now have a seven year old and a two year old and life is VERY busy. But you know what? I kinda love it. Shhh.

Last year was a mess of ups and downs. We hit some pretty down, downs too. But then, we were blessed. The Spouse got an amazing job! And even better? He LOVES it! Which makes everything much, MUCH better. Things have definitely been on the up since then.

Christmas and Birthdays were super fun! We had a wonderful time with our little family and getting to see the smiles on everyone’s faces, well, that’s gift enough for me. 🙂
The TWO year old
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The SEVEN year old

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Christmas 2013 🙂

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Also! As part of mine and the Spouse’s Christmas gift, we went to Washington DC the week after Christmas! It was a blast. I absolutely LOVE DC and find everything about it beautiful. We went to the Zoo, saw some monuments and hit up a few museums! There’s just so much to do and we didn’t have a lot of time, haha.

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While we were there we went to the amazingly beautiful Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center. Let me just say, WOW. It was so beautiful inside and out and I felt like a Queen. The kids had a blast! We stayed one night in the Hotel and then the next day we went to an event called ICE. This was stunning. Apparently it’s hosted every year and the city brings in artisans from different parts of the world to create these beautiful sculptures completely from ice.

It was cold. I froze and couldn’t feel my nose. But aside from that, I had a blast.

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Seriously, it’s beautiful, yeah?

The other great thing about being in DC? Getting to see my best friend! She moved up to Maryland last year and not seeing her has been so hard! I loved spending time with her and can’t wait to see her again!

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 Photo credit to my lovely and talented daughter, Madison.

So yeah, we had a pretty busy December! But we loved every minute of it. 🙂

Siggy

Dear Angel baby – March 28, 2014

Dear Angel Baby

Your name is Hayden Ray. You would be five this year. And I miss you. I miss you so much. You have an older sister and a baby brother. And I know that if you were here with us today they would love you so much.

I don’t know why you couldn’t stay with us. I really wish you could have. But I am a simple human and our Heavenly Father decided he needed you back. I know you are up there in heaven watching over us all. One day, when they’re older, I will tell them about you. I will tell them how when we get to Heaven, they’ll get to meet their sibling,

Sometimes when I go to bed, just before I fall asleep I can hear you laughing. And I imagine your eyes, as impossibly blue as your siblings smiling at me with some sweet secret. I think of you often my baby. You’re not forgotten. You never will be forgotten.

My heart still hurts for you. I think it always will. Though you never drew an earthly breath, you were loved my baby. You were loved so very much.

So very much.

I love you, always and forever.

Mommy

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Summertime – June 26, 2014

I live in South Carolina, and here in SC we’re experiencing this thing called summer. Now, when I was a kid summer was a word full of wonder and magic. It was a world that could fill your soul with joy and make your toes float inches off the ground. It was a word you counted down the months, days, hours and minutes to hear.. And boy, when you heard it… A heavenly symphony erupted and angles flew down from  to herald you into your freedom.

Nights became longer, bedtimes were extended and you could play and see your friends anytime you wanted. You didn’t have a pesky thing called homework, or have to worry about getting up in the morning by a certain time. It was summer! I loved summer. It was magic. The world was my oyster and the nights were filled with wonder. I still love summer, actually. I eagerly counted down the days for my daughter to be out of school.

There’s just one little thing I DON’T remember about summer… I do not remember it being this HOT!

Now, granted, I spent a lot of summers under the shade of pine trees, nestled in the lush, cool grass of a yard in Oregon. I also spent summers in Arkansas, and yes, it was warm, but I don’t remember the heat ever forcing me inside. I think South Carolina is really the Sun Junior.

I almost literally cannot step outside most days with out my skin shriveling up, cracking, and flaking off before my eyes while a tiny voice seeps out my parched lips, “No, come back!”

And I FIRMLY believe that kids have some sort of natural heat resistance, because they don’t seem to even recognize that it’s a bazillion trillion degrees outside and you walk into an almost literal wall of heat the moment you open the door. We had to run to the store today and I swear I almost cried when we got home and that cool wash of AC hit me.

Like a freezing hug of welcome. It’s kind of hard to enjoy summer when you feel like you’re living on the face of the sun. But, we’re making the most of it. And my kids love playing out side. So this Mama has no choice but to pull up her Big Girl Panties, slap on some sun screen and kiss my skin good bye.

Speaking of, I have to go get charred so I can watch my kids play with their brand new chalk. They’re so excited for this simple summer staple, what’s a few less layers of skin? Exactly, totally worth it. 😉 Have a wonderful summer, friends.

Go make some memories. ♥

Fun with Chalk

Fun with Chalk

Time for an update

I’m so ashamed at how little I post on this thing. I really need to figure out a way to get better at scheduling posts.

Well, lets see, what has been happening here lately…. It’s 2015! Can you believe it? I can’t. I feel like we just started 2014, and now here we are. A whole new year. We had a wonderful Christmas here, but January has hit us hard. I don’t think there’s been a single week in January that one or all of us haven’t been sick.

It’s hit Nicholas the hardest it seems. I’m so ready for it to just GO AWAY.

Blah. So ready for us all to be healthy again.

Oh! Maddie did a boosterthon at school, it was to raise money for a new reader board – anyway, they were taking pledges to see how many laps they could walk/run. Maddie walked/ran 35 laps!! That’s two miles! And she did it in about 35 minutes! I’m so stinking proud of my kiddo. She was amazing. She met her goal, and I couldn’t have been more proud of her if I had exploded and shot confetti everywhere.

So, let’s see. What else is new. Well, I’m not sure I shared here, but I completed my second novel. Secrets is a urban fantasy novel, roughly 87K, though I haven’t gone through and edited it yet. It’s pretty exciting. It’s like, once I actually finished one, it broke the hold that I had, and finishing them seems to be a lot easier now. Though it wasn’t planned, Secrets will be a trilogy, and I plan to start working on its sequel soon. Currently I’m working on a fantasy series. I’m really excited about this story, and it’s been fairly easy to write. I’ve only been working on it for a few months now and I’m already almost at twenty thousand words! That’s pretty quick for me, seeing as how it took me almost a year exactly to write Secrets.

I love so much that my writing bug has come back. It really does help keep me sane. Being able to get the words out of my head, to create something from nothing…It’s a beautiful thing. I’ve kind of taken a step back from photography lately. Winter pretty much killed any chances of getting any work, and things were so slow before that, that I just didn’t really push it much. I’m not as sad as I thought I might be. I still love photography, and plan to continue with it for my family and my friends, and clients as well, however, I don’t know that I’ll be pursuing it as hard as I was. I’m still deciding.

I have an author website now. I have a blog over there that I’m going to try really hard to keep updated and sharing my accomplishments and other little things that have to do with my writing. I would love for you to check it out and leave me some love over there!
The site is: http://www.ehdemeter.weebly.com

Well, that’s all that’s going on here in a nutshell. I wish I had more to report, but aside from us all being sick, there’s really not much happening.

I’ll try to make another post this month, but we all know how that will probably end up.. 😉

Stay healthy!